Your local coffeehouse may be a hotbed of heresy. Check the following list and see how yours measures up.
- Decaf is Docetic because it only appears to be coffee.
- Instant is Apollinarian because it’s had its soul removed and replaced.
- Frappuccinos are essentially a form of Monophysitism, having their coffee nature swallowed up in milkshake.
- Chicory is Arian, not truly coffee at all but a separate creation.
- Irish coffee is Nestorian, being two natures conjoined solely by good will.
- Nitro coffee (coffee + Red Bull) is Montanist, having a form of godliness but denying its power.
- Affogato is Adoptionist, being merely topped with espresso.
- The Café Bombón is Sabellian, appearing at some points to be foam, at others coffee and at others sweetened condensed milk.
- The Caffè Americano is a form of Unitarian Universalism, being so watered down so as not even to qualify as coffee.
- The Café miel violates Canon 57 of the Council in Trullo, “for it is not right to offer honey and milk” in one’s coffee.
- The Cafe Mocha (espresso + steamed milk + chocolate) is syncretic and polytheist, for it presumes to adulterate coffee with another nation’s gods.
- The Doppio (espresso + espresso) is Monothelite, permitting only one will to dominate.
- WHAT IS AN EGGNOG LATTE I DON’T EVEN.
- Half-Caf is another form of Adoptionism, being a hybrid of disparate natures.
- The Pharisäer (drip coffee + 2 shots rum + whipped cream) is nothing but sheer Antinomianism.
- The Red Eye (drip coffee + 1 shot espresso) is Ebionite, for it would swallow up pure faith in the Law.
- A rigorist exclusivism for Fair Trade Coffee is a form of Donatism, insisting that only sinless hands may produce a true beverage.
- “Coffee is bad for you”: The watchwords of the Iconoclast.
- The fellow who just keeps adding sugar to his over-roasted Pike’s Peak[*] is surely a Pelagian.
Here endeth the caffeination. Ite, caffe est.
[*] Yes, we know the Starbuck’s brand is “Pike Place,” but we chose the common malapropism to illustrate the futility of heresy.