As I stand at the window this dreary Friday morning and watch the cold drizzle fall from the grey sky, I feel somewhat justified in sleeping in and skipping my morning prayers. The weather affects moods. Depression is a disease. It’s not my fault.
Growing up I had all the good excuses: HDD, abandoned, abused, asthma, eczema, social misfit (too slow minded to be a geek, too smart to join a gang, too awkward to play sports), and a psychological complex that mixed an adolescent boy’s raging hormones with a deep longing to find motherly comfort in any female I met. It was not my fault.
Fault is overrated. In fact, fault is generally irrelevant.
I think every North American should go through a twelve step program. Understanding why I want to do selfish and hurtful things, and why I don’t want to do what will bring health and peace to myself and others does not make my behavior or attitude any less hurtful. I cannot change what has happened to me. I cannot change any thing I have done up to to this moment. I cannot change anyone else. I can, however, change myself.
Alone, I can’t do much to change myself. That’s one of the first things you have to learn. To change, I have to trust in God and listen to others. I have to believe that
God will take the little I can do and make it work more change in my life than I alone have the power to bring about. (By the way, this is not theory. Look at how many times you have tried to change and failed. Even learning to trust in God is a process that involves successes and failures, both of which you learn from–if you don’t give up.)
So what am I going to do? I am going to end this blog, close the door, stand up and say my prayers. I’ll probably do a terrible job. I’ll probably be distracted the whole time. But maybe, God will see my little effort to change. Maybe, God will have mercy and come close to me (which I know is a theologically incorrect view, but it is an emotionally accurate view).
It may not be my fault that I am glum; nevertheless, what I do is still mine to choose.