I always hear his voice in my head when I start to spin. For a long time, the words of greeting were, “do not fear” or “be not afraid” and “be at peace.” Now, we’ve moved past the formalities and in the midst of my spinning a loud crack of “Relax!” breaks in.
Perhaps I recognize this because it’s the tone I use when my kids don’t listen to me and I just need their attention before something breaks or someone is hurt.
Today I realize how much I need to be at peace, I need to relax and let the journey unfold the way it must. There is no deadline, there is no perfect way to proceed, there is no pressure or chaos except the pressure and chaos I bring into the room.
A long time ago, before I even had children I had a dream. I was standing in a huge, formal church…a cathedral or basilica of some sort. I entered and walked down the middle aisle of the church. All around me was chaos- wind blowing, hymnals and bulletins flying everywhere, pounding and clattering all around me. As I approached the altar I saw a young girl and her mother. I did not recognize them. Somehow I knew instinctively that the girl was the cause of the chaos in the room although her face did not show it. Her mother looked at me and said, “help us.”
I remember looking down at my hands and I noticed that I was wearing robes- plain…brown…on my feet were sandals. I put my hands to my face and suddenly, inexplicably, I was Christ. I lifted my hands and said simply, “peace.” The room came to order. The girl and her mother exhaled and relaxed…
and then I woke up.
It was a vivid dream. I wrote it down at the time so that I wouldn’t forget it. Truth is it has been easy for me to remember. I think about that dream often. Many times over the last 18 years I think I know what it meant and maybe every time I’ve been right.
Maybe this dream is like the living Word…it does not change but I change and it remains true somehow, it continues to speak to me. Sometimes I’m the girl, sometimes I’m the mother, sometimes I’m the chaos, sometimes I am all of them but always Christ is in me and I am in Him.