momentum…

This is precisely the reason I wanted to take some time before becoming Orthodox.

Momentum….or rather…the piece that comes right before the momentum, the impulsivity. Impulse is me throwing myself off the cliff…momentum is the speed I pick up on the way down…and regret is the moment I realize how many rocks and how little water reside below me.

I don’t trust my leanings into impulsivity. Those leanings tend to get me into trouble as I launch full force into new projects, new ideas, new relationships and then I just feel like crap because I’m over-committed…and that leads me to feeling unworthy and failing.

A familiar feeling- unworthy and failing.

This is when my head and my heart start to argue and eventually, historically, my heart gives in…broken and sullen…ready to move on to the next best thing.

But the good news is, I think, that I may be learning something here…I might be maturing, at least a little…because I’m noticing this week especially, my heart is not arguing anymore. It is responding but it is not arguing. I’m wondering now if it is the the argument my heart used to bring to the table that ultimately led to my despair. Perhaps. It’s not arguing anymore, it is responding but it’s voice sounds so different to me…no longer the soft and eager voice of the child, the one who wants to please, the one who wants to avoid injury.  This voice is calm, peaceful and strong.

So now when the voice in my head says things like-

“It’s already 6 months on this journey and you’re no further along than when you started.”

My heart responds-

“It’s a journey, not a destination…patience.”

And when my head gives me grief for breaking my fast-

My heart responds-

“It’s a journey, not a destinatin…grace.”

And when my head tells me I’m crazy for converting to Orthodoxy-

My heart responds-

“It’s a journey, not a destination…trust.”

Now that momentum has eased up and impulsivity has faded I’m coming to a place of ritual and soon, responsibility…to the practice, to the community both local and worldwide…and responsibility scares me quite a lot frankly. What if I never get the hang of it all? What if I am always failing?

And then I hear that heart voice

it’s a journey

it’s a good one.

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