fear and hope…

I’m convinced that, for me, being an introvert is not a function of having low self esteem. I actually think highly of myself…perhaps a little too highly based upon some recent prayer revelation, actually. Being an introvert is a function of understanding most things that appear ordinary and routine as having some deep mystery and then making room for that mystery in my opinion. This brings me to some thoughts I had today as I contemplate the role of community in my journey.

I do not like to meet people. Okay, maybe I do like to meet people, I do not like small talk. I like deep talk. I’ll do deep talk with anyone, anytime. It’s this ability to go to deep talk that often convinces people that I’m actually an extrovert, but they’re wrong. Interactions with people exhaust me, I start looking for a place to hide after an hour or so…even if I can hide for 15 minutes I’m fine. I am not energized by interaction. I am inspired, I am blessed beyond measure, I am enormously grateful but I am not energized.

The reason I shy away from small talk is that I figure if I’m going to be exhausted by interaction at the very least I should be able to make each interaction profound.

It’s not all serious. I love deep joy too, sometimes more that deep serious. I like to think that I have my share of wit on hand. Frankly, I think I’m hysterical. (see: “thinks highly” of herself comment, earlier….)

So in the midst of trying out some new relationships in town with some kind Orthodox folk I’m filled with both hope and fear. I hope there will be some God made connection so that we can avoid some of the small talk that polite society requires, I fear that I will appear aloof by not jumping in right away. I hope that I can keep an open mind and I fear that I might say something to offend in my attempt at humor. I hope that I am not clingy and I fear that I’ll not find the deep I need…

I hope this all leads to love in the end…

and perfect love casts out fear…

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