After all the media frenzy and extended rhetoric about rhetoric from the last week I find myself moving away from all news sources. I get overwhelmed, saturated with opinion and fact checking and engagement. Even my spirit needs distance from all the voices.
I found myself falling into the Jesus Prayer again last night. I have a retreat coming up this weekend which I am leading and am struggling with a few issues around that. Being “in charge” is a role I both love and loathe. I’m not a natural born leader, I don’t aspire to lead. I gain nothing from positions of power in my estimation. It’s hard work, it’s gut wrenching.
I may be more a natural teacher. I dreamt this once, long ago. That’s a story for another day, I digress.
So faced with the responsibility of the retreat and the parenting and the basic being human part of it all I find myself overwhelmed with words, in my head, in my heart, in the voices all around me. I want to hide from the words and get a moments peace…
and I fall into this, so naturally its hard to believe:
lord jesus christ
son of god
And I’m calmed. It’s this quiet place. I imagine it not as a dark cave or closet but as a warm sunny spot, a window seat in a country house, where I feel the rays of light touching my cheeks and chin, nose and eyelids, an affirmation that only He knows the condition of my heart and my soul and that only He can love me fully through the noise and struggle. Here, I’m restored.