I’m not sure I know how to put this. It may be a bit rambling, I apologize in advance for that. I tend to write these things stream of conscious-like and often don’t take the time to review and revise a great deal before posting them.
That’s not the confession. That’s the pre-amble to the ramble.
I’ve been considering that the next thing I need in this journey is confession…I need this Holy Mystery, this sacrament. I have always understood the need for confession, for repentance…I practiced it growing up Catholic, the priest as middle man. That part pissed me off. I did not think I neeeded a middle man…and it turns out, I was right.
In the Orthodox tradition the priest isn’t between me and God. The priest is witness, standing in for the body of Christ. Discovering this recently was like the tumblers of a lock falling into place and the moment I heard that I knew I wanted it. I would have broken into a full on confession right then and there if I thought it wouldn’t freak out the other people in the 101 class.
That’s not the confession either…
The confession is that I’m stirred today in a weird, new and not terribly pleasant way. Having spoken with Father G about Orthodoxy being the “true” religion…and what impact that has on the other faiths which claim to be christian…I find I’m stirred up.
It’s odd. I’m strangely really okay with this thought, that Orthodoxy would be the true version of Christianity. That’s not what bothers me, in fact the more I know about Orthodoxy the more I’m inclined to agree. I was relieved to learn that Orthodox view does not include a “everyone else is going to Hell” rider to this view. That’s a comfort. It’s also a comfort that the way of “evangelism” in the Orthodox tradition is more aligned with how I move already, in a “live your faith and let your faith speak” kind of way.
So if the stirring ISN’T that I disagree with the view of Orthodoxy as the true religion and it ISN’T that I have to subscribe to some thinking that everyone else is going to Hell and if I DON’T have to convert people to my way of thinking then WHAT is it exactly?
It’s that I feel so much judgement now. I look at Christian culture and I feel so little grace, so little patience. I am angry that the christian faith has become the circus it is. I’m angry and I am judging…and I am in need of repentance and forgiveness.
I don’t want to carry this forward on the path. I want to be a person of grace and peace. I imagine myself that way. Slow to anger, slow to judge. I imagine myself as someone people will trust, will come to, because they will feel loved and heard. I’m not there yet, I know this…I’m working on it and I think the first part of the working out of it is confession…
so that’s where I am now…waiting to find the right moment to bring the heavy I carry to Him, to be heard, to be forgiven…