Like every other new thing I attempt I find that I am prone to lose momentum after a few months. This is part of the reason I have tried to be vocal about my journey into orthodoxy. I want to be seen, asked, held accountable.
What I want to avoid in this is pride, boasting. I don’t want to appear that I’m doing something to draw attention to myself. So it’s a strange line to walk
Today I’m reflecting on this pull towards being seen and this strong desire to hide. Do I really want or need someone to call and ask why i didn’t make it to 101 class? I’m not sure, on one hand I don’t want to move into shame when asked. It may push me further way. If not pursued, however I can throw myself into abandonment and doubt. I am so changeable…I don’t like that about me.
Perhaps this is what draws me to orthodoxy most…the knowledge that this tradition is not changing, that it waits for me, like the father of the prodigal son…ready to welcome me home when I am ready to return.